I wish I have Acrophobia, the fear of heights and high places. I thought I was afraid of heights. I thought I overcame the fear when I’ve discovered the beauty of bird’s-eye-view and the panoramic view from the top of a tall building.
I cannot be more wrong.
After a couple of encounters of high places and its panoramic view, I’ve come to a conclusion on why I thought I have Acrophobia.
I am not afraid of heights, I am afraid of myself.
Have you ever been on the rooftop and decided to throw something down just for the sake of it?
When I was younger, we used to have a room of the top of a building in Pattaya where our family would go there for a relaxing family trip once in a while. The room was on the 23rd floor of this very chic condominium and every room has its own balcony for residents to enjoy the beach view.
When we first brought the room, everyone was very happy about it. When I first got there, I was very hyped about the sea view. I went straight to the balcony and look out into the horizon. The sun was setting and everything was yellow, orange, and with a little touch of pink. When the sun went down, there is nothing more to see other than the night sky and what is below us. When I look down, I remember seeing houses and cars and people walking under the street lamps. Everything seemed so quiet up here and the night have made it even more peaceful.
Then my mind started to do this usually weird thing where I know I am not going to, but I could.
I could jump.
It’s like something is pulling me to go closer to the ground, and a major part of my mind thinks it’s a great idea to climb the balcony to get a closer look at what is below us.
I don’t really recall what happened next, but the balcony has been sealed shut by my grandpa from that day onward until the day we’ve decided to sell the room. No one is allowed onto the balcony ever again, not even my parents.
My mother thinks I’m suicidal and she blames herself for not raising me well enough.
I’ve tried explaining to her that I was not going to jump, and I didn’t have the thought of ending my life. I just want a closer look at what is there on the streets.
Although there is an urge to jump, but that’s not because I am not happy with my life.
It’s not the height I’m afraid of, it’s my mind answering to the call of the void.
I believe we all have our fair share of this experience where we could, but we are not going to. We could throw whatever it is in our hands into the void, but we are not going in. I could just take one big step to answer to call, but I am not going to.
When we are young, our superegos are still learning what should and should not surpass from our id. The boarder line between these two territories is still a blur.
Even when I am 22 years old with a basic knowledge of physiology and Freud’s Psychoanalysis theory, the temptation of the void gets me every single time.
I think that explains a lot about who I am as a failed human being. Of everything I am scared of, my very own mind is still on the top of the list. My mind has this build in bug for self destruct. I like to think that the bug was buried deep down in the pit of my id, but it seems like my super ego just failed to do what it’s suppose to do when I am confronted with the call of the void.
I think that’s the reason why my subconscious decided to push the thought as Acrophobia in order to prevent any confrontation with the void. I know I am not going to jump, but I never know when that would change. I fear that, when I am on the ledge, there might be a time when my conscious is the one answering to the call, and I would self destruct.
I might have underestimated that self-destruct bug I have in my mind. It’s just that my conscious and my superego is doing a great job preventing it from being temped to being suicidal. We have been through a lot to get from there to here.
I’ve tried repressing dangerous and self destructive thoughts, but my id is like a vault rather than an bottom-less void.
There would come a time where I’d have to decide if I would answer the call or walk away, and it is terrifying that I might hesitate.