A letter to my monsters:
i thought we had a deal.
i thought we established the middle ground.
but you know, don't you?
you know i am powerless against you. you know i am an easy target. you know i am weak.
for twenty-three years, i thought you are my friend. i blinded myself from your tiny horns
and that pointed tail of yours,
convincing myself that you are an angel. that i was protected. you convinced me it was normal, and that i was just overthinking things. but normal people don't have monsters shadowing them around,
waiting for a weak moment to strike.
i thought we had a deal:
my family will be spared from this agony you put me through.
23;
———
the only way out is down.
depression is term used to generalise and categorise
the abnormality of one's brain.
perhaps too generalised.
it took me years to finally admit that i am sick.
a sickness that has no cure.
a silent sickness that is killing me slowly.
i wish healing is as easy as i was told:
- think happy thoughts
- meditate
- do what makes you happy
- forget about it
- it's not like that, and you know it
- you are just a bit discomforted
repression. repression. repression ;
you are not sick. you are not sick. you are not sick.
you are ok. you are ok. you are ok.
maybe i'm not sick. maybe i'm just slightly unhappy.
maybe i am just emotional. maybe it's nothing.
maybe if i just disappear for a little while,
every thing and everyone around me will be better.
you see, i don't want to die.
because dying would disappoint my family even more.
and i don't want to do that.
its like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff,
and the only way out is down.
the longer i stand here,
the more pain i have to endure.
the more convincing it is to end,
to be selfish for a greater good.
a better life for everyone.
i don't want to jump, obviously,
because my greatest fear is to not disappoint my family.
my death would broke my grandparents’ hearts.
my mother would be sad.
my father would blame it on himself.
but after a while,
they will move on.
and they will finally see
the sacrifices i've made.
and that their lives will be
better,
without a liability.
without me.
why can't they see that?
death would be easy for me,
but painful for my family,
who loved me unconditionally.
it's not their fault.
it's not their fault.
they did the best they could,
raising this ungratefully pathetic disappointment.
and i am truly sorry to waste your love.
23;
-----------
i cut because at least
physical pain is
explainable.
i punch the wall because
my hands would be
too shaky
from the pain to even
lift the blade.
you can pinpoint exactly
where the physical pain is.
- my knuckles are aching.
- my wrists are bleeding.
- i hurt my thighs.
physical pain is way easier to cure.
and is visible, too.
people can see you are in pain.
most importantly,
it is easier to admit that i am
(physically) sick.
23;
------
its been two months.
i wanted to say how much i missed you,
but i do not.
when i started to love myself again,
smile at all the brighter things in life,
you came along and rained on my parade.
you greeted me like an old friend,
while holding a knife to my throat.
hello, how have you been.
happy.
well, now you know what its like to be normal,
but i am back now.
i am back to tell you your happiness would not last.
your happiness is an illusion.
pain is the ugly truth of the world,
and you will drown in it.
there is no way out.
you already fell off the cliff.
why bother climbing up when you know,
deep in your heart,
that you would jump again.
stay with me,
my sad little scary mind.
stay with me and fight this battle
against no one
but
yourself.
23;
----------
yes, i am one of those people who is currently battling with mental illness.
i have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder II, which is when depression is my main phase.
its a battle between me and my two monsters,
and i have this tiny hope that i might win.
or at least compromise with my two monsters.