{015}; Here, There, and nowhere.

Where will we go from here?
How would I know.

Where are we heading?
I would love to know, too.

Is there an end game for all of this?
I have no idea.

There are hundreds of unanswered questions during the four years of Bachelor degree, and that multiplied like blood cells after graduation. It's startling, and also daunting, to be leaving school; the only place where our identity can manifest fully. In the real world ahead, we have to conform ourselves to the society above us. I've had a fair share of that myself due to some experience working part-time/freelance.

I used to hate the society I am living in. I hated the way people interact with each other, and how they depend their whole lives on the collective identity based on the imagined community. I hated that people refer to themselves as a collective individuals rather than their individual self.

Collective, collective, collective. We, Us, Ours. Them, Theirs, You People. Kill, War, Genocide.

Then, what am I without the society? What is the society with out people? It's undeniable that I, too, am a part of the society I loath. There is no escape, and we are all trapped here together. I cannot escape my nationality. I can pretend like I am not a part of all this, but at the end of the day, this society is inescapable.

People around me called me an ungrateful little shit.

But what is there to be grateful for? My family worked my ass off to earn this place in the society, yet I have to be grateful for something that does not exist, rather than being thankful for my family and their hard work? I don't understand, and I might be better off that way.

Now that you are very sceptical about me, lets get to know each other once again.
I've realised that I haven't had a proper self introduction yet. So here it is.

My mother gave birth to her first child, me, on the 1st of September, 1993, making me the first grandchildren of my grandparents before my brother was born four years later. Disobeying the traditional Thai belief that the child has to be named by a respectful monk in order to have a prosperous life in the future, my grandfather named me himself after an angel in heaven.

I’m basically the girl version of Raphael in Thailand’s Buddhism context. Actually, I’m more like Lucifer, but that is not the point.

The name is Rata, by the way.
It’s a name of a red flower in Māori (Metrosideros fulgens), and it’s a kind of rodent in Spanish (La Rata).

My grandpa didn’t expect me to take Spanish in college, so yeah. Apparently, it has quite a good meaning in New Zealand, a place I’ve spent some time in while i was growing up. I was too young to remember the details, but I remember it being awesome.




In the year 2000, my mother moved me to a British international school (St. Stephen’s International School BKK), and I stayed there for ten full years. During my ten years in the school, I’ve never thought the British accent was sophisticating at all. On the contrary, I tried my best to imitate different American accents from films and other medias. I’ve never actually look up to the British culture I grew up with while I was in school. I used to joke around about how the teachers are not making sense when they speak with a British accent, let alone northern accents.

Oh, how the table have turned.

After leaving school to undergrads, I then realised how sophisticated everything was in school. All the tea time, the way we are taught to hold ourselves, the language we use, and so on so forth. College is a wild place, and our school was a school for richer kids. I’ve never thought of myself as a snob, but I have to admit that I was. I am truly sorry. Our school was very small, therefore I don’t usually meet new people much.

I think it was during the iGCSE period (Year 10? I think so…) that I’ve realised that I can not do math. The core Math course was too hard for me to do, and I was thankful to every gods in the world that I’ve received a C for that. My brother, on the other hand, is a mathematic genius. This is not a gender/sex thing, it’s just that I wanted to be less like my brother, and more like myself. So that’s why I seek out a different path. I am also a bit of a rebel, and I want to prove to my parents that I can get by without being good at math because, in real life outside the text book land, there are these little thing called calculators, and it’s every offing where.

So I stop. I stop doing math completely. I cannot find x. After iGCSE, I’ve decided that math and I are over. I’ve chosen Literature simply because I thought I would be better off writing an essay than solving someone else’s problem.

I’ve found my way of life.

There was a gigantic fight four years ago between me and my whole family because I was seeking an alternative path. I understand them completely, but they also have to understand the fact that it is my future, and not theirs.

Will my life be easier if I’ve taken a business course rather than a Liberal Art major? Maybe. It’ll sure be less complicated, with less philosophical questions where the answer is another question. I wouldn’t care so much about gender equality, nor the fact that people are inhumane to the point that they might as well be the new Hitler of the 2000s. I might not have a critical opinion like I am now. I might see the world differently. Liberal Arts is a degree where you need to use what you’ve learnt and reflect it upon yourself, and the people around you. It’s the tip of the ice burg I want to remain on. Seriously, I would not want people unleashing what is below my superego. It’s too dark for the society to handle.

I see people being all literate on the internet, calling other people stupid and ignorance, when they, too, is illiterate as fuck. I am sorry, but there is a balance of being selfish, and being a member of the overall society. I simply do not understand why the people around me think that the bigger picture is not important. A nation cannot exist on its own, and therefore we should consider the world as one nation, regardless of our differences. Aren't we all the population of the world? Why only care about your/our people without giving two shits about the rest of the world?
Liberal people trying to be free of all identity boarders. Illiterate people wants something to hold onto to feel like they belong in the little community they are in, and that makes it easier for the hegemonic group to interpellate them with the imagined community ideology, making them unreasonable robots (no offence to robots).

You see, most people in the country were taught, since birth, to not ask question.
At home, it’s annoying for kids to ask questions simply because the parents does not know the answer as well.
At school, if the student ask questions, the student is viewed as not paying attention, and therefore will get their points deducted. Seriously, the teacher does not make any sense, but due to the ego and the cockiness of the teacher, we are not allow to not understand them. Shitty, I know.
We can not question religion, nor any practice leading towards religion. Let us not get into that real deep, or this entry might gain a lot of hate from the supernatural believers, and they might send me rape threats. Oh, I am not overreacting. Welcome to Thailand.

You are going to regret being outwardly critical in this place, especially if you are a radical feminist. Rape threats on all your houses.

This entry is going to go on forever.

Let’s end this right here, shall we?

I want to conclude this with a more positive note. I am not a hateful bitch who criticise everything, but I’m the bitch that believe in equality in its different forms, and in factual arguments. To me, religion is irrational and can not be proven. It’s one man’s word against physical evidences from sciences. Let me quote my friend here:

“But isn't it funny? a person who believes in something no one else does is considered a maniac but if a group of people believe in the same thing, it's religion?”

It is hilarious, but it’s the joke that might get us killed.

The four years in a Liberal Arts school taught me not to associate myself with people who does not see human being as equals. hey are not stupid, oh no. They are just people with too much insecurities that everything is threatening. What a shame.

After all, as I’ve mentioned above, I am a part of the society I loath, and it’s my responsibility as well to make this a better place for myself and everyone in it. Why? you might ask. Well, I may be a selfish motherfucker, but I am a selfish motherfuck that lives in this society. Thailand is my home, no matter if the people are culturally illiterate as fuck, it is still my home.

Liberal feminism seek to educate.
Dear god of feminism, please give me the strength not to kill people.

With hope at last,
Rata Pengmesri


PS: Please don’t send me rape threats. I might be a free-wheeling bisexual, but I am also asexual … except if you are Aaron Johnson, then please.

{014}; I am very proud of you, my little cry baby.

About 6 years ago during my iGCSE period, I've been assigned to help organise the elementary sports day. I was not into sports that much, but it was better than sitting in class. I love kids. I love the sight of children playing in the sun. I love the innocent smile they have of their faces because every little thing impresses them. They remind me of the new dawn that cleared away the darkness of the night.

The event was fun to put together. I did not do much since I was just helping out, but what I did changed my life. My life would not have been this contained if it was not for this event. I could say the event was life-changing, but it's not the event, it's the people I met that has changed me.

She was a cry baby. She was the one you'd find clinging tight to her handkerchief in the back roll of the stand because she was too afraid to face the word on her own. She was scared of all the things that was happening around her. It was too overwhelming for her and her small little hands to grasp. She needs someone she could hold onto in order to feel safe again.

She was crying, and no one asked her why. People thought she was 'just crying' so they've ignored her and let her cry. If you see a little girl cry because she feel uncomfortable, it is not her fault, and she is not weak. I was that girl. I was the girl who would rather have someone I trust with me in an overwhelming situation such as a very crowed sport day. She reminds me so much of myself, and I knew how much I wanted someone to shelter me, and boost my self-esteem. Or someone to talk to me quietly until the tears dry away. I sat with her, telling her random things to make her feel better. The talk distracted her for a while until a member of staff came over and forced her to compete in a running event. She was shaking to her bones because she was afraid she would let her team down. The staff keep pressing her to go get ready without considering the situation.

I let her go, telling her that people cannot blame you for what you have tried your best on. Now that I think about it, I think they can. Even if they can't, they'll do it anyway. The society of condemnation, I suppose. And so she went, running to the event, looking better than she was before.

And she won the race.

It has been six years, and she has grown into a beautiful, and confident, young lady. I don't know if she still remembers me or not, but I want to let you know that  you were the strongest kid I know. You were fragile, but you know how to put yourself back together. Looking at how much you have grown these past 6 years have made me so proud. You've gained a lot of confident along the way, and is now a very lively girl.

Now that you are older, therefore is more experienced with the world and it's conducts, you might have realised that I am not a perfect older sister. The world is a very complicated place, and the more you grow up, the more you are pulled into its core. The kids' outer circle where everything is full of life drifted away as you grow older, replacing with the ugly truth of the world.

You, my little cry baby. It is alright to be a cry baby because you know you would pick yourself up, dust off the dust on your clothes, and held your head up high once again. You, especially. You have the potential to be someone, and to do something incredibly gigantic, don't let others bring you down otherwise. Most importantly, don't forget the time when you were at your weakest, because there would be no strength without the contrast of weakness. Big girl do cry, and it is okay. Don't let the society tell you what to do, or who to be.

Happy Belated Birthday, my little cry baby.
2015/02/27

{teatime de ratata'} 001: St. Regis Hotel, Bangkok, Thailand

Introducing this new section of 23km-down the rabbit hole blog, {teatime de ratata'} or #teatimederatata on instagram. Since my passion is to exploit the capitalist leisure phenomena, I usually spend my free time in a cafe or a tea boutique. With this regular leisure of mine, I've decided to turn it into something that may, or may not, be useful to people -especially afternoon tea lovers like myself- living in Thailand, or those who will be coming to Thailand.

Disclaimer: This series of blog entries/reviews are not aimed to discredit anyone, or any place. It's purely the writer's opinion and personal experiences on that particular place and time.

I do believe that, like all things in the universe, there is no place that is all bad, or all good. Just because some of these places got very low ratings does not mean the place is bad, it means that I didn't like it.

Just because I didn't like the place does not mean the place is bad.

Kay broh? lol


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001: St. Regis Hotel, Bangkok, Thailand.
(February 14, 2014 | 3:00PM)

I arrived at the hotel via the BTS (skytrain, Ratchadamri Station Exit 4) at 3PM. My friend has booked a table for 3 at 3pm that day because, apparently, there won't be any tables for walk-in customers on special occasions.

Located on the 12th floor of this lavish hotel in the middle of Bangkok, the St. Regis Lounge was decorated with bronze and brown interiors. The moment I stepped out of the elevator, I was greeted by no one. The staff are busy serving tables (mostly foreigners) that they have ignored the existence of new customers. I was half expecting that the tables would be filled with people, but there are only 3 tables visible in the front and about 7 in the inner corner of the lounge. There were only about 4 to 5 staff members and I have to wait for about five to ten minutes for one of the staff to take notice of me and ask if I've already reserved a table beforehand. It's not their fault I am a socially awkward person in which standing in the middle of a tearoom, not knowing what to do, does not really help me to be less awkward.

The table the staff led me to was next to a pillar, in which it blocks all the view I was expecting to see. The only available set was the Valentine set. At the time, I didn't really care which set they have because I'm the type who could eat anything and will eat everything. When my friends arrived, we call the staff to order our set. There are about 6 to 7 types of tea available on the menu. I called the staff 3 times before they've noticed us calling for their attention. I asked them on the different types of tea, but they are only able to tell me if that tea is black, green, or red. I was quite surprise that a tearoom staff does not have the basic knowledge of the different types of tea they are offering, but not everyone is picky when it comes to tea. Most people would rather focus on the food, methinks.

I ordered the vanilla bourbon tea because that's the closest blend to my favourite from TWG (yes, St. Regis serves TWG teas) because the blend gave this soft and sweet scent of vanilla. I usually go for the Midsummer Night Tea because of its chocolate and mint scent. I prefer black tea, but red would do just fine. I also have my tea without any sugar because I don't like the sweetness of the sugar to ruin the sweetness of the tea itself. I love my tea black, like my soul.

There is nothing much to say about the tea because they are just typical TWG tea in which I think tea people are quite familiar with already. I was expecting more types of tea for a tearoom in a luxurious hotel, but they only have the basics such as earl grey, english breakfast, chocolate and vanilla bourbon. There are others as well, but not that various.

❥ My Blanc shades, I love you.

The champaign that came with the set was alright. Yeah, it was just alright. I wasn't expecting any dom perignon or anything, so it was quite alright. I only drank half of it because I don't feel like drinking any alcohol with tea.

Now, moving on to the food. As always, we start from the bottom and work our way up. The 3 tier stand filled with pink deserts and food was served ten minutes after our order. There were 2 of each on the stand, and there are three of us.

Thanks to the filter grid app ❤

1st floor: The lobster sandwiches was nice. Actually, those lobster sandwiches were so nice we have to order more of those as an A La Carte. The rest? Inedible. The salmon smells like it has been in the fridge for a few days. The beef was quite alright, but I was expecting more from a very well known hotel chain.

2nd floor: SCONES. There were 4 scones, two plain and two rose scones for Valentine's day (yay for all my badass single ladies out there because even scones came in pairs lol) The scone itself wasn't bad, but the clotted cream ... are you kidding me. First things first, you do not leave the cream in room temperature for more than an hour because it will melt. Second things second, how are we going to eat one scone with one teaspoon of clotted cream? I purpose the hotel to give their customers the right amount of cream to the amount of scones. I have to call the staff over from their busy task for more clotted cream. I don't mind if you are using a thicker whip cream instead of clotted creams, but please put an appropriate amount on the table for us to eat, much appreciated.

3rd floor: The abomination of St. Regis' Valentine's day afternoon tea set. Everything was made of roses. Rose cake, Rose mousse, Rose this, Rose that. Each of us took one bite of each desert and shook our heads in disapproval. We gave up trying to finish the top floor of the stand. The desert looks so good, but tasted so bad.

The Lobster Sandwiches that cost 500 THB ☹

I was unimpressed by the food and also the service of the place, period. From the price I am paying for the whole thing, this experience was not worth it.

Rating: 4/10

Thumb ups:
- The utensils was easy to use and handle. I really love their knifes and forks. Their utensils are practices are beautiful, they goes well with their overall atmosphere and interior.
- The way their food looks. The food was well decorated and the lighting helps it to look good on picture. Do not let that fool you.

Thumb downs:
- The food, period.
- The service, and the amount of staff is too little that they cannot attend every customer when they are needed.

The Price:
- 2,500 THB (£50/$77)

x

☁ The food looks so nice.

PS: Thanks to Melody19s and Palayate for coming out with me on Valentine's day. Lots of love, xx