I've became quite vigilant about my grammar lately, especially when my IELTS exam is coming up. I used to be quite fluent in using English on daily basis, but now it's getting worse. I've never studied grammar before, and I don't even know the name of those tenses. I've been using my guts on what is grammatically correct and what is not for as long as I can remember. I suck at communicating with people, and therefore should retreat myself into the depth of the cave under the ocean.
Anyway, back to the main topic of today's blog, shall we ?
It's that moment in life when one chapter is ending and you can see the next chapter revealing itself in front of you, very vaguely, but you can still see the glimmering light. When you reach the last page of the chapter you are on, a blank space appears, separating this chapter from the next. A space for you to stop, take a deep breath, and picture what you want to see in the following chapter of your life. Maybe you'll see a cross-road, or a split pathway, or even another tunnel. The blank space in between are there for you to stop, choose your path, and take a solid step forward with confidence.
If you are graduating from High school and is not sure if pursuing a bachelor degree is the right path for you, take a gap-year.
If you are not sure if you should continue your studies in a graduate school or go straight into working, take a break and spend more time with yourself.
If you are not sure what you want to do in the near future, go out and seek your passion.
Those things are easier said than done.
If you do not have a bachelor degree, most companies are likely to not hire you. Except you are planning to go freelance then, in that case, please consult your family because they might not be able to handle your decision.
If you are thinking of taking a gap-year, please make sure your parents are alright with the idea because they would be the one paying for your expenses if you are not earning enough money from your part-time job.
If you would like to take a break to spend more time with yourself before deciding whether or not to go for a master degree, make sure you have enough money for your daily expenses.
If you are not sure what to do in the near future, your parents would probably want you to go into the business industry, or go get a master degree in management.
I might be wrong, or I might be too pessimistic, but this entry is based on my life.
What I want to do disappointed them.
I got away with doing a Bachelor of Arts because I got into a University they wanted their children to graduate from. My grandparents wanted to enter this university, but they didn't have the chance. I was the first member of the family to be able to get into the University, so they didn't quite mind which faculty I go to. Even though I wanted to go to a film school in the states. This is the best alternative.
I entered University at the age of 17, right after finishing my iGCSEs. I didn't take any A-Levels and used my iGCSEs results to apply for the Bachelor degree in Faculty of Arts.
I was in a rush to get into University because everyone around me wanted me to graduate as fast as I could. Every time the topic came up in a conversation, they would ask me when I would be graduating and that I should hurry up and graduate. It might have been the Thai way of encouraging your child to study harder, but I took it personally and literally to the point that weighs me down. Not only I've got my world on my shoulders, I've also go theirs. Each and every one of their expectations and their dreams.
In the back of my mind, there is this voice constantly reminding me that I am their biggest disappointment. They've expected more from me, being the oldest daughter/grand daughter and the only girl in the family.
Now that I am graduating with a Bachelor of Arts in Language and Culture, a degree that sounds pretty much useless to my family. Now that I am walking towards a cross-road, not knowing where to go. Now that what I want to do is the opposite to what my family expects me to do.
Now that I am their biggest disappointment, my two choices are:
1. Pursue their dreams, or
2. Pursue my dreams.
The first choice is a brightly lit path with nothing along the way, whereas the second one is a dark and gloomy tunnel with flashes of light along the way. It's like a choice between being like my mother or be an outcast of the family. I've never wish to be like my mother. Not because she's not good or anything. I love my mother and she is the greatest woman in this world, but mom lives a boring life. My mom never actually have time for me while I was growing up. I spent most of my childhood with my grandparents because my parents were busy working. I don't want that as my future, becoming a workaholic in an office all day and night. I don't want my children -if I were to have any- to grow up hating the work that took her parents away from her. I don't want to live that life.
For all my life, my mom always said that I would never be able to do what I wanted to do. I have low self-esteem problem because of this, and it's too late to fix it now.
When I was 12, I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to go to singing classes, but my mother told me I sounded like a howling whale and that the neighbours are complaining. She told me I would never be a singer and I should give up and do something useful.
When I was 17, I wanted to apply for a film school in New York, but my mother told me that filmmakers are not a career that would get you the money you need to survive. She told me that there are already famous filmmakers in the market and I have no chance in competing with them. She had never seen any of my videos, but she said it's not going to get me places.
Now that I am 21, I wanted to pursue my master degree in the UK, doing film criticism. She told me to get real and find a curse that you could make a career out of. She said I've spent too much time doing nonsense stuff rather than doing something useful like helping her out with work, or studying.
Up until this moment in my life, she had never seen any of my videos. None of them.
I am their disappointment and I am not capable of directing my own future.
Yeah, I could do whatever they wanted me to do, pursuing a Master degree in International Business or whatever, and still do whatever I want in my free time, or get a job in the film industry after graduation to prove them wrong.
I could, but how many people would hire me if i'm not from a film school into a film industry.
I thought about giving in to the plan they laid out in front of me, but a part of me said that I should not just abandon my passion just because someone constantly told you that you are a piece of shit.
I have a problem. I have low self-esteem thanks to my mom and her wise words of "your work are rubbish" and that I suck at everything. I am afraid to show my work off to people. I'm terrified to give opinions on some important issues (i.e. my future) or even talk to people with authority.
I am not blaming my mom or anything,
but because of her I've found my new passion in proving her wrong.
Maybe I'll get a degree in Management or any other sorts of business to impress my grandparents before shoving it into the trash and start doing what I really love. Hope people would hire me. If not, I'd still have my MBA, which is pretty much a basic degree everyone has, like a lightbulb, or a couch. My family's aim is to not be special, but to be like the majority because there are more chance to each enough money to support the family. They are not wrong, it's just boring. And I like to live my life on the run.
Well, I was going to write an inspirational entry, but it turns out to be a rant about the mindset of my family. I love my family and I am alive today because of them. Thank you for not supporting me in what I love so that I could prove you all wrong. That's my life goal.
PS: New short film coming soon.
PS2: #SeekingSeoul Day 2 coming soon as well
so stay tuned! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment